Last year it was radio. This year, it's conferences. And last week, I appeared on the panel in a web video for Scottish Widows. TV is surely the next step. So here's an idea I 'm pitching for my very own television show. If Alan Yentob follows this blog - let's talk (loved your Rod Stewart prog last week, Al).
Working title: Beasley's Business Nightmares
Concept: I will meet badly run businesses, large and small, and their owners or managers. After some cursory research, carried out by an unpaid intern, I will offer my report and recommendations.
In other words, I will tell them where they're going wrong in an extremely confrontational and aggressive manner, and swear a lot. They will resist me at first, before - inevitably - realising that I am right and they are wrong. They will then roll over, do exactly as I say and treat me as a God forever.
My main inspiration here is of course the great Gordon Ramsey, who in his 'Kitchen Nightmares' TV series focuses only on restaurants and pubs. Goodness knows there are enough badly-run catering establishments in the UK to keep this programme going for ever, so I will leave this sector to Gordon.
For those not familiar with this series, here's how it works. Typically, Gordon arrives at an establishment which is owned and run by a pair of clueless incompetents with no discernible skill or experience, who somehow thought it a good idea to sink their life savings into a pretentious bistro called 'Bogarts' in a back street of Scunthorpe. Tumbleweed is blowing through their restaurant, the tables are covered in cobwebs, they are losing money and are close to bankruptcy. Enter Gordon, who - despite being the only person in the restaurant - receives slow, incompetent service and (inevitably) revolting food, which he projectile vomits over the waitress.
The kitchen is usually run by a tattooed thug with no teeth, who is apparently on some sort of care in the community project. He has had no training of any kind, least of all in personal or food hygiene, and his signature dish is crabsticks flash fried with chocolate, cider and packet soup. He and Gordon hate each other on sight. With his bosses, he and others like him are responsible for the poor food, lousy service and rip-off prices that we all experience every week in restaurants and pubs the length and breadth of the United Kingdom. They all richly deserve as much invective, profanity, spittle and halitosis as Gordon is prepared to provide them with. Which is usually a lot.
So, back to me. I have much better skin tone than Gordon and I am sure I can work on the swearing. And I have extensive experience of working with businesses of all sizes which seem to have no idea why they are there, other than to do whatever they have to do to hit their next quarter's numbers, who have little interest in finding out what their customers really want or value, and no vision of where they are going long-term. This excludes current clients, of course. The rest of you - beware. Reality - in the form of me and my camera team - could strike soon.